From the moment I was a little girl, to some of my older
years, I knew that I was doomed to be slightly indecisive, at least for the
former, more impressionable years of my life. This realization came into
existence when I was about 6 years old, standing in the aisles of a Shell
garage pondering over what to buy. And by pondering, I mean walking up and down
the aisles, scanning every item with my eyes and brain, and repeating the
process until I had decided what I wanted, which always seemed to have been the
same item, now that I think of it. This all ensued as a regular act, until the
rather rude cashier finally told me that I didn’t know what I wanted. I was so
offended, feeling as though he had attacked my character, but far too young to disagree. And however many years later, as I
type this post out, I can’t say that I’d disagree. The rude guy had a point!
one in which I am typing out with my head slightly bowed, because I know that
my indecisiveness is still something that I struggle with. Although my
indecisiveness has mostly been evident in small and petty decisions, such as
choosing the right chocolate (because that could be life changing, you know),
growing up, I saw the flaw & fault in never being 100% certain what to do.
I later realized that the fault wasn’t in having uncertainty, as most things in
life had reasons to render any person uncertain and weary as a result, but
rather the fault was in being too dependent in other people to help me make
decisions that I really needed to be making by myself, for myself.
wanted to do, and the woman that I wanted to become, I found that my indecisive
nature had rubbed off onto those aspects in my life too. So much so, that for a
relatively long time in my life, I was heavily dependent on the voice of other
people, be it my family or friends, and completely indifferent or apathetic to the voice in my own heart. Although I do believe in the importance of
hearing other people’s advice on what you should, experience has led me to
further believe that in life, there’s no purpose in having your instinct, heart
and mind working in unison to guide you, if you are always going to hold your
own decisions subordinate to the decisions someone else would rather make for
but rather with the fact that I didn’t trust myself very much anymore, and the
autonomy that would arise from making one’s own decisions based on one’s own thoughts
and feelings, was not being felt or even in existence. Perhaps the issue isn’t so
much with having one too many voices of reason to consider, but rather with the
fact that more often than not, many people choose the wrong thing to do,
because they fear disappointing those around them, which isn’t ever the
foundation that anyone should choose to make any kind of decision.
is probably something that I always will be (sorry rude chap from Shell!), but I
don’t really feel like the grave problem lies in uncertainty, wherever it may be
found. The grave problem, would most definitely be in making decisions based on
what other people want for you, more so than what you want for yourself. Especially
when it comes to things that will directly affect you, and you only. I hope that the next decision that you make is one that you are proud of, and can live with.