Confessions Of A Girl Who Can’t Read The Map X

Up until recently, I managed to completely side-step all or any conversations focused on the future and where it may take me, not because I have no interest in such conversations (because I genuinely do), but rather because I genuinely do not have the solid, concrete answer some (or even I) would like to hear.

One of my all time favourite characteristics of life in general, was the fact that nothing was ever certain, and a somewhat wandering heart like my own could find itself in places that I could never have imagined or foreseen. This favouritism towards such uncertainty was great of course, until I came to the realization that that very uncertainty that I had previously lusted over had become my life, and I didn’t like how the solid ground I once stood on began to feel like quicksand in the midst of a forest (that’s where quicksand is found, right?).

Growing up, we learn how to dream. And from the moment we are able to string together logically placed words to create coherent statements that are more interesting than ‘goo-goo-gah-gah’, we begin to vocalize those dreams, at the unknown risk of having them criticized by people who don’t understand them. Then, we hit that wall of words that no kid ever wants to hear, the treacherous and ever haunting, somewhat daunting words that kill your dreams: ‘That’s unrealistic’.

And then it stops, the vividly wild thoughts that make you feel like the world is your oyster, the soundtrack to your dream sung by Big Sean, John Legend & Kanye West telling you that ‘One (wo)man can change the world’, and the aspirations to do just that: they all come to a halt. Somewhere between optimism and realism, we opt for pessimism because it becomes a lot cheaper to buy. And that’s where I’d argue, that the ‘uncertainty’ begins, because I don’t think that we always genuinely answer that ‘So what do you want out of life?’ question with pure honesty when it counts the most.

I, for one, can sadly bow my head in disappointment when I admit to the fact that I’ve always known what and who I wanted to become, but I more often than not opted to give the answer that I found would make people question me the least. Instead of embracing the uncertainty in how I would ever really reach my dreams and goals, I opted to provide an untrue ‘certain’ answer because that certainly would silence any doubts presented to me. And all the while, in the process of trying to discard the map labeled ‘The Future’ that God gave my heart leading me to where I’m truly meant to be, I really just failed to see that that very map that was hard for me to read would always be imprinted on my heart, wherever and however I chose to go. The uncertainty would still be there, but so would the map, and perhaps that’s all that matters, even if I was the only one who could understand the directions.

So there it is, my introspective confession of a reality that I have been quite silent about, but more than happy to share. I will still confess to the fact that the map to the certain future is most certainly the hardest map to read, especially when I have always been the type of girl who prefers the GPS that does all of the talking. But I too can honestly say that although I can’t say with unwavering conviction what tomorrow will hold, I am very grateful for every turn, every T-junction, every pothole and every round about circle that led me to where I am. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

X
Thulz

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